I am so grateful to be free, whole and alive this New Years Eve...
This evening, I thought back to one of the worst New Year's Eves I can remember. That year, New Year's Eve was on a Sunday evening and it had been a CR weekend. I believe that we had been at the house in Mahopac that weekend before we moved to Bethel, Connecticut and then on to Pawling. My best friend was dating someone in school at the time and had been in love with the man for years. He had picked New Year's Eve to tell her that he wanted to break up with her which was an unbearably cruel thing to do. I think that the story was that he was unhappy and Sharon had told him to end it as soon as possible. She was heartbroken. Since it was New Year's Eve, no one was driving and we all took MetroNorth back to the city. That particular weekend, I spent the whole train ride back to NY sitting with my friend who had been sobbing hysterically for hours. I remember getting off the train at Grand Central feeling totally disoriented and everything seemed to be starkly in black and white.
I always felt broken after a CR weekend. All I ever wanted to do after one of those weekends was to go home, order in Chinese food and sleep for about a month. I remember that for the first year that I went to CR, I threw up every weekend. Nerves, stress, no sleep, bad food, too much intense physical labor, too much intense emotional and psychological pressure. You would have thought that I would realize that my body was trying to tell me something. No, I was actually happy the first weekend that I didn't throw up. I felt that I must have passed some sort of test and was now a better and more evolved person. So many self delusions...
Because New Years Eve was on a Sunday that year and given my own feelings, I am sure everyone just wanted to go home to bed as badly as I did. D felt that we should all promise to go out to a New Year's Eve party that night. Why? To prove that "school" wasn't getting in the way of our lives? One more thing to do at the end of an impossibly long string of things to do? I got home and I decided that since I had not been invited to a party, I would go to Times Square to fulfill my part of the promise. I went out and started to walk there but I got half way there and realized the foolishness of the situation and turned around and went home to bed. In 48 years of living in NY, I never once went to Times Square on New Year's Eve and I have never had the urge to do so. I hate crowds. The possibility for violence once you are immeshed in a such large crowd seems very tangible to me. There are certain things that it is better to stay away from.
I feel an increased awareness of that tonight as I write this: There are certain things that it is better to stay away from. If I knew then what I know now... I am, however, convinced that the experience of going through school (and coming out on the other side vaguely intact) was necessary for me to be where I am and who I am now. I certainly feel that I found my voice in my public opposition to school. Sharon was right about "if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." I am stronger now than before. I have had enough experiences that I thought might kill me and know better what to stay away from now. Life is too short. Carpe diem.
And a Happy New Year to all.
