After the first half of the year, I had a conference with her teacher who said that she should be seen by the special needs consultant at the school because her behavior was difficult. Difficult? She said that one teacher should not be having to spend 60% of her time with one child. I could understand that. We went from there to the consultant who recommended that she be tested by her home school district which was free. I called the school district and arranged for her evaluation.
This was the first of what was to be many evaluations of my daughter. I stayed in the room for most of the tests but was required to be quiet. When they came to a question such as "What is your favorite TV show?" she looked puzzled but didn't say anything. Another school "rule" - no TV at all, especially for children. We had a TV but it was hidden in an armoire and she had never seen it. A common question for a 21st century child but I was afraid that they would see her as ignorant for not being able to answer that simple question. The woman who did the intellectual functioning testing told me that she thought she was a lot brighter than the tests were going to show. Of course, I had not told them she was adopted. Of course, it would be normal for her to be a little delayed. They also did a few behavioral reports. For one, they went to her ballet class, where the teacher was having trouble with her because she wasn't lining up properly and doing everything she was told to. Of course not, I thought, she is a free spirit and I was happy that she was so free rather than being a tiny performing robot. They did an evaluation in the classroom at the Waldorf School as well. None of the kids would play with her - maybe that was why we hadn't had any playdate invitations. The observation I remember the strongest was when something was broken and the kids asked who broke it. One child said that my daughter had broken it even though she was nowhere near the other kids at the time. One thing was clear - she had become the class scapegoat. She was being teased and bullied even in that rarefied environment.
My daughter spent the rest of the year going to the Waldorf School two days a week sand the early childhood intervention program for the other three days. At the end of the year, the school recommended a special needs nursery class for her that was pretty far from our house so she needed to be bussed there. That made it easier for me but I never saw her in the classroom with her teachers and peers so I had no idea what was going on. At the end of the year, they did a little song and dance performance. I met some of the other mothers and asked them where their kids were going the following year. One mother told me that the school had recommended an autism classroom for her daughter. She was adamant that her daughter was not autistic and she was going to put her in a regular education program.
After that year, the school recommended a "transitional" kindergarten class for her that was at yet another school and she was again bussed to school. It was supposed to prepare her to enter a regular education first grade in our home school the following year. Her teacher asked if she had ever been tested for sensory issues and I said no so they arranged for the testing and then put her on a sensory "diet" and recommended exercises for her. They also recommended a screening by a behavioral optometrist which they would pay for. She had the screening and then I paid out-of-pocket for many sessions of vision therapy which I thought were extremely interesting and useful for her as she clearly had visual issues related to eye movement and focusing skills, convergence, eye-hand coordination and visual memory which were all skills she needed for effective reading, writing, and learning later on.
I went to one "parents evening" while she was in the transitional kindergarten class. I was shocked to arrive and find that I was one of only two parents who were there. The other mother was european and clearly well educated. I had met her son before, he was a cute little blonde haired imp. I asked the teacher why there weren't more parents there. She explained that in special education, most of the parents did not speak english well and were not really aware of what their child's issues were. She often said that they might not own a car or be able to drive or they might not have someone to stay with her children while she was gone. I realized then that my daughter and the other boy were the only "white" kids in the class. That year also, I had a problem with the bus. My daughter arrived home one day clutching several pieces of candy in her hand. I asked where she had gotten it from and she told me that a boy on the bus had given them to her. I asked her if she had given him anything in exchange and she said that she wasn't supposed to tell. All kinds of bells went off in my head! I told her teacher and the principal but nothing seemed to be wrong.
The following year, she was enrolled in an "integrated classroom" for first grade in our home district. The school was right down the street from us within easy walking distance. So that made five different schools by the time she reached first grade (four different schools within our town). Something seemed off to me about that. But first grade turned out to be a good year for her. Actually, her best year so far. She was in a class with a regular education teacher and a special education teacher. Both were quite good and she was taken out of class for one-on-one work with the special education teacher who I liked a lot. I was happier because she was closer and I picked her up everyday and therefore had more contact with the school, her teachers, and the other students. The special education part of the classroom consisted of eight boys and my daughter. Not so good. She didn't have any girlfriends in the special education group. One day they caught her going into the bathroom with one of the boys and he was about to pull down his pants. Not so good. I thought maybe that all the other kids went to the bathroom together and she wanted someone to go with. It happened a few more times but they caught her before it went very far.
I continued to follow the school's recommendations and she was enrolled in a substantially separate special education program for second grade. Once again, it was eight boys and my daughter. Not good. The classroom was second and third grades combined. I went to the school one day to talk to her teacher because my daughter had come home crying one day because her teacher had told her that fairies weren't real. Her teacher had defended herself saying that she had to know the difference between fiction and non-fiction for the MCAS (Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System). I was furious. I asked her whether the Bible was fiction or non-fiction. She had no answer. I threatened to call the ACLU because I felt that the school was imposing their "religious" views on us (were we pagans??) What school teacher has the right to tell a child that fairies don't exist? I think they do exist. Please say you do too because every time someone says that fairies don't exist, another one dies.
Towards the end of that year when she had passed
her eighth birthday, she started to wet her pants in class almost every
day. She didn't have the verbal skills to explain to us what was wrong and she
had no prior history of doing this. The teacher took her out of the classroom
every time and sent her to the nurses office. The nurse called us and we had to
bring a set of dry clothing to the school before she was allowed back in the
classroom. I didn't want to send her to school every day with extra
clothes as if I was expecting it to happen again. My husband joked about it:
"She finally found a way to get out of that classroom." I had to
agree that that was probably a good guess as why she was doing it.
I didn't like the teacher anyway, she was an older woman inured to
the public school special eduction system and had no imagination. We
consulted a child psychologist. She started to see him once a week. He
recommended that she be evaluated by an educational specialist and we did that.
The education specialist said that she was a kinesthetic learner - she needed
physical activity to learn well and she did better with objects she could
handle herself rather than lectures or demonstrations. This is not what the
public school system did. Not good. He also suggested that we have her
evaluated for autism. We sought out a developmental pediatrician and she ruled
out PDD. Good. I asked the educational specialist to recommend some other
schools where she fought our daughter might flourish. She named two and we
went to visit them. My daughter spend a day at each school and we picked one.
There went my IRA. I just couldn't send her back the following year to the same
classroom where something was so obviously wrong.
I loved her new school. It was small and nurturing and she had two wonderful teachers. Most of the other parents were friendly and I got involved in the school activities. She repeated second grade which was just as well because her new teachers were amazing. I tried to get our home school district to pay the fees and even hired an advocate and a lawyer but it didn't happen because her new school was not a 766 private special education school. I fought long and hard to get our town to pay for it but in the end, they wouldn't. My daughter lasted through the middle of fourth grasde in that school and then it was time for her to leave. I suspected that the other girls had started to out distance her socially and emotionally so it was time to move on. She also had trouble with math and her teacher had to take her out of the room to do remedial math with her which was fine with us but she was starting to get teased by the other kids because of it and she also felt that she was missing out on something. She wanted to leave. Everyone suggested that we put her back into the public school, let her fail and then get an out-of-district placement for her. I felt my back was to the wall so that is what we did. She spent the rest of fourth grade back again at our local public school. For fifth grade, she had the same teacher and it turned out to be one of the worst years of our lives.
Once, I asked Sharon for help about my daughter in the middle of a christmas class. She was, of course, very drunk and lying on a richly decorated chaise longue like the queen bee that she fancied herself. I briefly explained the situation and she sat up to full height and waved her hand in that dismissive way she had and said to me: "So, what's a little retarded?"
And with that brief wave of her hand obliterated my naked heart which I was holding out to her.
Boundless Joy Arising starts with the annus horribilis of
fifth grade. You can find it here: http://boundlessjoyarising.blogspot.com
And through all of this, we never told anyone that she was adopted not did we mention our involvement in a cult.
Of course, through all of this rings the questions: If Sharon had not talked us into adopting from Russia, then what? If she hadn't insisted on keeping everything secret, then what?
And through all of this, we never told anyone that she was adopted not did we mention our involvement in a cult.
Of course, through all of this rings the questions: If Sharon had not talked us into adopting from Russia, then what? If she hadn't insisted on keeping everything secret, then what?
